Most of you probably didn’t see or care about the twitter battle I engaged in today and that’s cool. But because I am who I am and always have to be observing of my behavior, I have to make comment on what I realized in the aftermath.
As I was lounging in the bathtub trying to calm down and re-balance my emotions, I realized that what I was feeling was familiar. I felt like this about 2 1/2 years ago when I was (seemingly) on the brink of madness. I say seemingly, because I now know that I wasn’t, but I was allowing the outside world to strongly affect my inner world and it upset me so greatly that I felt like I was going completely mad. Today, felt similar to that time.
I would love to say that I had realization and then let go and moved on… but I didn’t. I was cranky for the rest of the day. No, not cranky, I was sad and hopeless and that made me behave in a cranky and aggressive way.
I did have an opportunity for further reflection this evening when I was sassy to my sisters, my mother and my daughters though. And this time, I’m happy to say the reflection led to a bit of a breakthrough. I realized that I had fallen back into the trap of being more concerned with what others think/say/do/feel than myself. I suppose part of it is because I spend so much time evaluating my own values and behaviors that I feel completely justified in spreading my opinion, but that’s not really a good enough reason for how upset I get when people don’t see my point of view. It’s more than that, I’m not that arrogant. Another aspect to why I get so upset is that I worry about apathy. I have yet to figure out how to only be concerned with my own morals/values/ethics/etc and not become complacent in the global sense. Or I have to figure out if focusing solely on my own growth and goodness even means I am being apathetic globally.
See, I am an observer. And I have to be honest, I don’t like what I see. On Mars or right here on Earth. And I feel like the good people have been taking care of themselves and just living a decent life… and evil has taken the opportunity to step up their game! I can’t say that I have hope in the masses anymore… So, it’s really hard to just stay silent. Hence why the breakthrough can only be classified as ‘a bit’ of one.
But, I did realize that if I want to be happy and not squander the gift of this life I have been given, I have to find a way to not let the outside in. I have to find a way to support and promote what I feel passionately about without judging or forcing my viewpoint. I have to find a way to be okay with people’s differing opinions even when I know they are wrong. And that last one might offend some, but it’s true… and it’s a hard one for me to do.
I’m not any closer to figuring out how to do these things, but I’m working on it.
The last thing I realized is the most important. I need to remember that every single person has a story. They have a history. And just as my past has brought me here, so has theirs. And what they have experienced colors their thoughts/values/feelings/etc. And I need to respect that. And them. I didn’t do that today. And for that, I am very sorry.
I sit here, day in and day out, waiting for all of you to care. And it happens, once or twice. But that isn’t enough. We reblog, retweet, and share absolute nonsense. If I were to post eye-candy Friday photos ALL of you would be reblogging til your fingers bled. But when I post something of worth, something that is real and means something, I get crickets. (With the exception of one of you, and you know who you are and I thank you so much!)
It’s your choice what you do with this gift of social media. You can promote a band who will charge you $900 to meet them in the city where a revolution for all of you is happening OR you can choose to educate yourselves and those around you. Social media allows us to reach our neighbors 1000 miles away, and you are squandering it. It disgusts me.
WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!